How do you speak to yourself?
Like, what do you say in your head?
Last week, I was meeting with a long-time client who had just led a review of the strategic plan with her Board of Directors.
She leaned in close (to the Zoom screen) and whispered: “It. Was. AMAZING!” I cheered as she went on, “It went so well! And I was so nervous leading up to it, but I just kept saying to myself, ‘Breathe. Smile. You’ve got this.’ And, honestly, it was just the best I could have imagined. ”
This is the same woman who, just a year ago, would literally shudder and change the topic if I so much as mentioned leading a meeting.
“I’ve never been a leader,” she would insist, “and I do NOT want to be the center of attention! I won’t know what to say.”
Now, that shift in perspective is the result of a lot of learning and courageous risk-taking on her part. But it is also the result of something much simpler: A different story.
It matters what you say to yourself.
When I was in grade 10, my homeroom teacher told me that I had been selected to attend a province-wide student leadership retreat. I remember literally looking around behind me, even though we were alone in the room, to see if she was talking to someone else.
She couldn’t mean me. I wasn’t what you would call a popular kid in high school. I knew who got invited to these camps and I wasn’t exactly part of that crowd.
Anyway, I went, and the whole time I felt like I was watching the experience happen to someone else. Sessions on values. Trust falls. Team building exercises. Learning how to work together.
I kept thinking, “Should I be here? I’m, like, nobody. Can this actually be true of me? Could I belong in this kind of room?”
Because I loved it.
And this tiny seed of an idea was taking root that maybe - just maybe - this was real. Maybe I could lead. Maybe I could make a difference.
And, of all the experiences that shaped me throughout high school, I think that has had the most profound impact on my identity. Because I began to shed a negative self-concept. I stopped thinking of myself as “not an athlete” or “not popular.”
Instead, I came to know myself as a person with strong values. A person who was respected. Well-liked. A person who made a significant contribution. A leader.
It matters what you say to yourself.
Fast forward 30 years, and this fall, I found myself having a bit of an identity crisis. I had moved across the country, started a business, and adopted a child. And I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I would walk into networking events (because you’re supposed to go to those when you’re starting a business) and feel myself shrinking. “I don’t know anyone. And no one knows me. Who am I anyway? I’m nobody. No one is gonna wanna work with me. I’m a fraud.”
At the peak of the crisis, my coach helped me do a deep dive into my history as a leader and get clear about what I’ve done, what I know, and what I have to offer. It was so powerful. Out of that insight, I created a course, The Leaders Circle, to help people develop a philosophy of leadership.
But way more important was the new self-concept that emerged.
“I know what I’m doing. People are waiting for me.”
It changed so much.
Now, do I still have days where I struggle? You bet. Starting a business is hard. Parenting is hard.
But, most day, when I walk into a room, I can hold that story in my head: “I know what I’m doing. People are waiting for me.” And it helps me be confident, relaxed, generous, and…happy.
So, how about you? What do you say to yourself?
Pay attention to that. Notice the ways you put yourself down. Notice how it makes you feel. The impact that has on your work and your relationships.
How could you change the story? Like my client - who was able to shift from “I could never” to “I got this” - you will show up differently when you tell yourself a different story.
How could you speak to yourself in a way that is affirming, accepting, and inspiring?
I wonder what kind of difference that could make...
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Are you ready to take the next step in your leadership?
Let’s talk about how I can help!
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