Uno, Empathy, and Playing a Long Game

Something truly amazing happened at my house last night. 

My son lost at Uno…and he didn’t freak out! 

Instead, he smiled at me, unprompted, and said, “Oh! You won, Mommy!”

If you’re a parent, you know what a big deal this is. 

I seriously almost cried. I mean, this is the kind of thing you spend years thinking you’ll never see! 

So many months and years of playing board games and holding your breath, trying to decide whether to let them win or let them experience losing, knowing it will be a monstrous tantrum of disappointment!

Listen, friends: Parenting is a long game. You have to play it that way. 

I hope he always does choose kindness.

I hear so many parents saying things like, “Gentle parenting doesn’t work with my kids! They don’t change!” When the truth is, they’re just too young for the effect to be visible. 

Our children learn from our example, not our words. Our consistent, lived example. 

Long before they have the emotional capacity to imitate us, they are soaking in what we do. How we respond. How we listen. How we speak to them. They absorb it the way they absorb language. Making sounds, approximations, bumbling attempts, half-formed words, until one day it just pops out, fully formed.

All the hundreds of times that I’ve played games with him, my son has absorbed the way I say, “Oh! You won, love!” He’s soaked in fact that I’m happy for him, that I’m not upset I lost. Now, could he do the same? Absolutely not. His little kid brain wasn’t ready for that. It was made to be self-centered. It was made to perceive losing as devastating, sending him crashing to the floor in tears.

And when that happened, he absorbed the way I offered comfort. Validated his experience and helped him keep going. He learned he could survive losing. Until finally, last night, he was able to experience losing without devastation. Just like that. Fully formed. Amazing.

So here’s my point: Keep going.

Keep responding to their needs. Keep gently coaching them. Keep being empathetic to their feelings. 

And don’t ever mistake responsive, empathetic parenting for passive or permissive parenting! NO!

You can absolutely be empathetic to a child’s feelings without compromising on your limits or expectations for them.

Here’s a great example: Our neighbours just gave my son a bag of hand-me-downs. We LOVE hand-me-downs in our house! And one of the things in the bag was a pair of fleece-lined jeans. OMG Softie pants on the inside. High fashion on the outside. BEST. 

But they’re size 7 and my son is a very skinny size 4. So, after he tried them on, tightened as far as they would go, he got ready for bed, and I packed them away in a Rubbermaid bin to wear when he’s bigger.

Next morning, he asked, “Where are my fleecy jeans? I want to wear those.”

“Oh, sorry, sweetie. I packed those away. They’re too big for you. You can’t wear those yet.”

He burst into tears. Of course he did. That little brain is still forming, and this was a big blow.

Here’s what I didn’t do: Tell him to stop crying. Argue or reason with him. Go get the jeans for him.

I held the limit and responded with empathy. I got down on the floor and hugged him. “That’s so disappointing, isn’t it? I know how much you like them!”

It took about 90 seconds and then he was ready to choose different pants.

He’s regulating his emotions so much more quickly lately. He’s moving through the Acceptance Arc, getting the comfort he needs, and moving on.

Which is the amazing result of responsive, empathetic parenting over the past five years. Clear expectations and boundaries. Lots of empathy for feelings. 

I promise it works. 

So, if you’re in the early days, I see you. I know it’s hard. 

Keep going. You’re playing a long game. 

And it works.

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All parents need a place to blow off steam. To talk about how it really feels. To get their own support and empathy. 

I can help with that. 

Let’s talk. A Discovery Call is always free and it might just give you what you need to keep going.