“You’re a parent coach…” she said, skeptically, stepping back to read my sign. “So, you help parents deal with their kids?”
“Yes,” I replied. “I listen and work with you to figure out what’s happening and create solutions.”
“Okay, well what would you do about this? ...”
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This year, I celebrated International Women’s Day by hosting a booth at a beautiful event that my local Chamber of Commerce put on.
It was amazing to hear from so many women who are working hard to create a better world!
And, as they passed my booth and learned what I do, I had the opportunity to hear what they’re really struggling with.
Time management. How hard it is to balance career and family. Stress. Women’s health. Finances. Being overlooked.
And, of course, how to handle children.
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This woman leaned in and shared about her pre-teen daughter, who had suddenly become fixated on sleeping in the hallway outside her room.
“It makes no sense!” she exclaimed, clearly frustrated. “She has a beautiful room and she can’t give me any good reason for it. So, what should I do?”
“What did you do?” I asked.
“I told her no freakin' way! We had a huge fight. But I held my ground. I didn’t give in.”
“Okay. What made you say no?”
“I’ll trip on her in the hall, for one thing. But it’s also kind of a fire hazard, right? I don’t know…I mostly said no because it’s so silly. But she was SO upset about it, I started to think maybe I should have just let her do it. But I know I can’t give in. I have to hold my boundary!”
I tilted my head, asking a question without saying a word.
“I mean, I can’t just give in! Then she’ll walk all over me. Right?! OMG Is that NOT right???”
I could tell she was a very thoughtful and intentional parent. She understood what she was doing and why. She was holding her boundaries and not giving in. She was using every tool in her tool box.
But something still felt off to her.
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The thing about boundaries is that you have to always hold them so consistently…
Except when you don’t.
Like, when your child is over-tired, barely holding it together. So you skip brushing teeth for the sake of getting them to sleep faster.
Or when you can tell when they get in the car that it was a terrible day at school and they just don’t have anything left. So you let it slide when they snap at you, hand them a snack, and tell them you love them, instead of insisting they apologize.
Or - like I offered to the mom at my booth - when they’re a bit older and making an unusual request and you can’t tell what’s really going on. And, even though you set the boundary, you just have an instinct that they need something else from you.
It’s okay to trust your gut.
It’s okay to say something like, “You know what? I said no to this too quickly. And I think I made a mistake. I can tell it means a lot to you, even though I don’t understand it. I’d like to change my mind. It’s okay to sleep in the hall for a few nights. And I hope we can keep talking about this.”
Older kids have more capacity to understand nuance. But, at any age, our kids deserve to see parents admit when they’ve made a mistake and correct it.
It’s not the same as saying, “No, no, no…FINE! Do whatever you want!” That's just giving in.
Remember, boundaries are about helping your kids know they can trust you, not exerting ultimate control. It's okay to show them you’re listening. You’re flexible. You’re not perfect. Their opinion matters.
Try these tips:
When your child asks for something, pause before you answer. It’s incredible how often we say NO just out of habit. Pause and make a thoughtful decision.
Say yes often. It can be so frustrating to hear no all the time. So try to say yes, even if you have to put parameters around it.
If you realize you were wrong, own it and make it right. Something like, “I made a mistake and I need a do-over. Can you ask me that again?” gives you a way to change your mind and also models how your children could do the same.
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Want to learn more about boundaries?
Register now for my upcoming workshop: Mom is NOT a Doormat! Rules and Boundaries and How to Stop Giving In.
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